If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

A church is a hospital for sinners, not a museum for saints.

If you want your children to turn out well, spend twice as much time with them, and half as much money.

While forbidden fruit is said to taste sweeter, it usually spoils faster.

Never give a golfer an ultimatum unless you're prepared to lose.

If you want a place in the sun, you have got to put up with a few blisters.

The best index to a person's character is how he treats people who can't do him any good, and how he treats people who can't fight back.

Fear less, hope more. Eat less, chew more. Talk less, say more. Hate less, love more.

You are what you are when nobody is looking.

Wisdom doesn't automatically come with old age. Nothing does - except wrinkles. It's true, some wines improve with age. But only if the grapes were good in the first place.

A bad habit never disappears miraculously, it's an undo-it-yourself project.

If you want to join the ranks of the people who changed the game, change yourself and the people around you as well.

Bush is giving the rich a tax cut instead of putting that cut in the pockets of working people.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

It's very trying on a marriage when you're doing a one hour show, week after week after week. You don't have enough time for people that maybe you should have top priority.

When I look around at Broadway and the West End, theatre is becoming an exclusive club.

Well, well, the world must turn upon its axis, And all mankind turn with it, heads or tails, And live and die, make love and pay our taxes, And as the veering winds shift, shift our sails.

If you want to get my attention, wear a pirate outfit.

Any time someone makes you feel guilty about how you are living, that is part of the old system (pre-Christ).

Knowing what to do and not doing it is the same as not knowing what to do.

You know, I think this is the first time we've ever done anything normal together.