If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend!

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Life is one big gym where we need to constantly workout to stay fit for this world. And indeed love here is the treadmill.

It's not forgetting that heals. It's remembering.

There is more to living than not dying.

Without the restraints of religion and social worship, men become savages much sooner than savages become civilized by means of religion and civil government.

A lot of people think I'm snotty. So what? They never asked me out when I was serving cheeseburgers.

You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school.

I think imagination is one of the greatest blessings of life.

To grow up in intimate association with nature - animal and vegetable - is an irreplaceable form of wealth and culture.

I was the darkest skinned person in my family. I remember how I used to feel - like I wasn't pretty enough, or I wasn't good enough.

That knowledge which stops at what it does not know, is the highest knowledge.