If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

To be defeated is only a fable in which one may tell of oneself. I will try and I will try again, though never shall I call it failure. I am simply one step closer to thy truth.

To work and suffer is to be at home. All else is scenery.

Do not adultery commit; Advantage rarely comes of it.

I definitely hope that I'm improving. If I'm not, there's a problem - I'm just coasting.

Washington isn't a city, it's an abstraction.

I tend to think of writing as a more collaborative project than I think some people do.

I'm alienated from this world because its weird and I don't want to be a part of it. I want to be part of the people that are more imaginative and crazy.

Friends are proved by adversity.

The most beautiful carpet is the carpet made of autumn leaves!

Resist your fear; fear will never lead to you a positive end. Go for your faith and what you believe.