If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

Her intention was to make the crowd aware, if they weren't already, that John was the giant whose shoulders Emily stood on.

Nate wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. "Let's get you back and I'll build you a fire."She liked the way he said it. He'd build HER a fire.

To succeed, you will soon learn, as I did, the importance of a solid foundation in the basics of education - literacy, both verbal and numerical, and communication skills.

Daytime sleep is a cursed slumber from which one wakes in despair.

Quality performance starts with a positive attitude.

If any agreement between two nations is to last, it must serve the best interests of both nations.

I have discovered that a screw-shaped device such as this, if it is well made from starched linen, will rise in the air if turned quickly.

Sometimes you need lies to stay alive.

I love the way Charlize Theron and Kate Moss dress.

No matter how softly you whisper a prayer, God hears and understands.