If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

Heck, if anybody told me I was setting a record (strikeouts in a game on July 30, 1933) I'd of got me some more strikeouts.

Basically all I've done is keep my promise.

How can I tell the signals and the signs By which one heart another heart divines? How can I tell the many thousand ways By which it keeps the secret it betrays?

With my life comes my heart, yours now to crush or cherish as you will. It is my hope you will have a care in keeping both.

Boy, am I glad there wasn't a fourth episode of Lord of the Rings.

Bernie Sanders says that the biggest banks that dominate the economy should be broken up into smaller banks. This would be far more radical than Hillary Clinton's proposals to regulate Wall Street.

Discipline divorced from wisdom is not true discipline, but merely the meaningless following of custom, which is only a disguise for stupidity.

I have to say that writing about my writing process is more daunting than writing non-fiction.

Most Evangelicals claim to be politically non-partisan, and say they only identify with the Republican Party because the Republicans are committed to 'family values.

Before my tenure, people didn't seem to think that citizens had a right to limit the size of their government.