If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate books.

Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore's program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.

Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.

If you want to read about love and marriage, you've got to buy two separate books.

Let's face it: It's difficult enough to be funny without worrying about what is going to offend whom.

I made it, Ma - Carnegie Hall. And I didn't have to practice.

A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat!

You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.

Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?

If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.

My father helped me leave. He said, 'It's all out there, it's not here.'

Fool! You may hate me...But I...I haven't stopped thinking of you for a single day.

The Swendish queen— whose name I couldn’t pronounce to save my life.

Our sole concern with the long dead is aesthetic

It was a crying shame!

Wave to the haters like nanananana.

We make our money out of our friends. Our enemies will not do business with us.

I am not magnanimous enough to like people who speak to me without seeming to see me

Nobody has the right to sit in judgment and decide what's good or bad for you.

I'm happy to have my own opinion and air it when I think it's necessary.