If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Such subtle covenants shall be made, Till peace itself is war in masquerade.

You don't feel like your best self when you fall apart, but you have to fall apart to become your best self.

Since so many romantic comedies vary little in their storyline, the success or failure of such movies depends largely on whether we believe in the relationship of the protagonists.

The only model to follow is pure Islam.

When the first just and friendly man appeared on the earth, from that day a fatal Waterloo was visible for all the men of pride and fraud and blood.

In the end it happens, in some way you couldn't imagine before.

And to be able to do it, to be able to accomplish the goal you've always set for yourself is always a blessing.

It is ridiculous, frighteningly ridiculous to make wars in the name of peace.

May we show increased kindness toward one another, and may we ever be found doing the work of the Lord.

There are big ships and small ships. But the best ship of all is friendship.