If you were an actor, anybody could go on Broadway and take a George Carlin hour and do it on stage as a one man show. They're all stand alone essays.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

Fantasy football is not only a good thing, but a great thing.

If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.

What bothers me most about today is that we're getting used 2 it. ENOUGH. 2nd amendment must go. Violence has 2 stop. Culture MUST change.

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over? Movie Day.

When human beings stop progressing at an endeavor, they stop enjoying it and move on to something else. Not golfers. Masochists, all of them.

I think golf is a waste of time and a waste of a sunny afternoon. I also stink at it. I have never found anything, including divorce and a sexual harassment suit, more frustrating.

If a waiter or waitress tells me when gratuity is included they automatically get more gratuity. When they hide it I go with the leg kick.

I miss third grade because you could kill people in dodgeball. Remember the rules to dodgeball? If you're fat or have glasses, don't show up because you'll die.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

Forget dice rolling or boxes of chocolates as metaphors for life. Think of yourself as a dreaming robot on autopilot, and you'll be much closer to the truth.

Love is 100% percent practical, oral performance is an ultimate turn-off, whether you like it or not.

Censors are necessary, increasingly necessary, if America is to avoid having a vital literature.

It's a simple idea: We all do better when we work together and invest in our future.

Every day is a different day in New York; there's always something new going on.

I was at Live Aid the original, looking like Rolf Harris for some reason. I had a really long beard that day for some reason.

Talking about adversity that I've walked through in my own life or hearing an artist talk about their own adversity makes me feel vulnerable.

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.

Climate change is the greatest threat to our existence in our short history on this planet. Nobody's going to buy their way out of its effects.

Individuals who were submerged in reality, merely feeling their needs, emerge from reality and perceive the causes of their needs.