If you yell about one woman, you're not a misogynist. If I yell about Michelle Bachman, that doesn't make me a misogynist. If I compare all women to Michelle Bachman, then I'm a misogynist.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Pretending doesn't require expensive toys.

Please to put a nickel, please to put a dime. How petitions trickle in at Christmas time!

I'd really like to write a book about Timothy McVeigh, but it would only work if he cooperated.

Development is where my heart is focused because eating is the only thing that we do that involves all the senses. We eat with our eyes and our ears and our noses.

It's frustrating me - that booty is gonna sag at some point. And if you allow enough people to come inside your physical space, they leave traces.

At least no one's trying to kill anyone. Give them about fifteen minutes

It is the hallmark of any deep truth that its negation is also a deep truth.

One learns in life to keep silent and draw one's own confusions.

Virtue needs a director and guide. Vice can be learned even without a teacher.

fear no man but only God