If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Stumbling towards greatness is better than sprinting towards mediocrity.

Love, like addiction, removes all choices...

Any spending should be debated openly on the floor of the House and voted on in open session, with the American people having a chance to watch and listen.

We cannot stand alone. With 80 million people in this world of today, you cannot, when you just stand on your own, achieve much even though you may be economically strong.

In the kingdom of God there are no second-class citizens.

All observations point to the fact that the intellectual woman is masculinized; in her, warm, intuitive knowledge has yielded to cold unproductive thinking.

People who are most afraid of their dreams convince themselves they don't dream at all.

A worshiper's gift makes a statement about the worshiper and his God.

The great tragedy of Alzheimer's disease, and the reason why we dread it, is that it leaves us with no defence, not even against those who love us.

When poison becomes a habit, it ceases to injure: make your soul gradually acquainted with death.