If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!'

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

I never sleep in comfort save when I am hearing a sermon or praying to God.

Infatuated, half through conceit, half through love of my art, I achieve the impossible working as no one else ever works.

I'm rarely invited to start-up parties, but who cares about their trinkets and apps anyway?

In a man devoted to knowledge, pity seems almost ridiculous, like delicate hands on a cyclops.

The more you frame the marathon as a stressful experience, the more negative messages you'll receive. But it's just as easy to frame it as a positively challenging journey.

Glaswegian ebola patient moved to London's Royal Free Hospital. Not so independent when it matters most are we jocksville?

Constant Penelope sends to thee, careless Ulysses. Write not again, but come, sweet mate

It's usually a spiritual thing that's preventing somebody from having happiness.

though he does not touch me, he steadies me.

Let us confess it: evil strides the world.