If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Smile and Slay.You have to slay it in life or life will slay you.

No matter how much territory the wolf conquers the lion will still rule the jungle.

I wrote a song about dental floss but did anyone's teeth get cleaner?

A nation may lose its liberties in a day and not miss them in a century.

The truth is paradoxical to the extent of being exactly contrary to the usual perception.

I took my life in my hands and social media has just helped me do that more.

An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it.

There is nothing you can do about the past except keep it there.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

Eternity is not an unending succession of days in the calendar, but something more like the supreme moment of satisfaction, in which totality embraces us and we embrace totality.