Ignisecond, n.: The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

The fear of criticism stagnates the power of creativity.

Roots never get the appreciation that a flower does, but that doesn’t make them envious.

Simply to acquiesce in skepticism can never suffice to overcome the restlessness of reason.

From the depths of the mirror, a corpse gazed back at me. The look in his eyes, as they stared into mine, has never left me.

My mother works in a bank and my dad is the head of my management team and also works in finance.

Crowley didn't have a very high opinion of women, and I don't think he was wrong.

The humans have a curious force they call ambition. It drives them, and, through them, it drives us. This force which keeps them active, we lack. Perhaps, in time, we machines will acquire it.

...,the will of God for your life is pretty straightforward: Be holy like Jesus, by the power of the Spirit, for the glory of God.

When knowledge is scant or conflicting, folklore takes over.