Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

The day is like a diamond, all beautiful warmth on the outside but without any heat to accompany it.

I really liked 'Blk Girl Art.' It's like a manifesto saying why I create, whether it's poetry or music.

When we get tired of enjoying all the pleasures within our reach, we have still a resource in thinking of others that are not.

Not badly, considering I was seated between Jesus Christ and Napoleon.

I wanna do the very best job I can to fulfill the trust and faith that people have in me.

If Americans are to read something that is difficult, they will only do so supposing they will be admired for having done it.

My art is not abstract, it lives and breathes

Allen's Law of Civilization: It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

Humans didn't really fight over skin tone or ideology; those were just handy cues for kin-selection purposes. Ultimately it always came down to bloodlines and limited resources.

Warner Bros., where I spent pretty much most of my professional life, they continue to make a lot of movies but so many of the studios are pulling back.