Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

No sooner do I conquer a bad habit than I become the biggest critic of anyone who still does what I just stopped doing.

You can’t cheat if there are no rules

I'm suspicious of any mode of transportation that requires a running start.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Japanese women live in fear of making the least sound in a bathroom stall. Japanese men pay no attention to the subject whatsoever.

Prayer means that, in some unique way, we believe we're invited into a relationship with someone who hears us when we speak in silence.

The words 'In God WE trust' are not only unconstitutional, they aren't even accurate.

I'll lean on you and you lean on me and we'll be okay.

Don't give up on your ideals. Don't compromise. Don't turn to expediency. And for heaven's sake . . . don't get cynical.

Beauty endures only for as long as it can be seen; goodness, beautiful today, will remain so tomorrow.