In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, Did you shoot that thing? I said, Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.

There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing someone for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.

I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say 'I'm Stupid.' That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button.

How about this, have you ever farted so hard you shivered?

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey... We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".

Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.

Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.

To be happy, make others happy.

Those who don't know how to suffer are the worst off. There are times when the only correct thing we can do is to bear out troubles until a better day.

It is said that no one truly knows a nation until one has been inside its jails. A nation should not be judged by how it treats its highest citizens, but its lowest ones.

We cannot abdicate our conscience to an organization, nor to a government.

The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.

Me writing about tennis is like a baker baking bread.

Nothing is complete and thus nothing is exempt from criticism.

I was voted the most beautiful girl in the world in 1958, and courted by every young, available man in Los Angeles, most of whom I didn't go out with, by the way.

[When I was a kid] I was a surgeon, amputating legs and arms of my paper dolls. And I had a little board with little tacks that I would tack them down to do this.

It's more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera