In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Tweet and post softly of your brand. But carry a big stick.

There is no advancement to him who stands trembling because he cannot see the end from the beginning.

If the government is going to mandate levels and punish schools for failing, they should send that money to the school system.

You need strategies that help rule things out. That's the opposite of saying, "This is what my gut is telling me; let me gather information to confirm it."

The only event in the history of our species that compares with this one is Genesis. And this is a new kind of Genesis, the Genesis of our species into conscious awareness.

Underneath that facade, I'm a terrified little sissy, just like everybody else. But I never let it show.

Love and laughter hold us together.

These record companies are going to be going out of business pretty soon, because people are just going to be downloading what they want to hear.

I don't have to give [Donald Trump] a chance.

More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason - including blind stupidity.