In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Dieting is the most potent political sedative in women's history

The night before, I'd gone overboard with my Lila poems, and maybe it's true that I was hoping that in them he'd see the genius of me, the beauty of my words in his hands.

...do you have someone you can stay with? Hell, stay with your mother. The Pentagon doesn’t have the security system she’s g

If we can just try every day to be the best versions of ourselves, we are offering to the world the best addition to society.

Those who are slow to know suppose that slowness is the essence of knowledge.

We are suffocated by writers who want to enlighten us with their truths. For me, the theatre is beautiful because it is a secret, and secrets seduce us, we all want to share secrets.

science progresses by trial and error, and when it is forbidden to admit error there can be no progress.

It's good to be out of your comfort zone. Just don't step out of your gift zone.

We can see the same spirit in everybody only when we know we are that spirit, Atman or Self. Only a person who has understood his own Self can see that Self in everybody.

The solemn fop; significant and budge; A fool with judges, amongst fools a judge