In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

I believe there is a direct correlation between love and laughter.

For me, like, the more interesting a letter is I just get more excited and I know that this going to be great for my friends who are looking forward to reading that in my comic.

My coach is, Look at Novak. Look at him. They're so ripped. I'm like, Yeah, well, I can't look like that.

You ride astride the imaginary in order to hunt down the real.

For example, I like using strong Greek and Roman Renaissance characters as part of my series.

Our theology is still in a time of crisis, and I think this will last for some years more.

Young people are still experiencing the thrill of three chords and over-amplified guitars. They always will.

One of my first big shows, I opened up for Chris Brown; I was about 10 years old, and Chris Brown was just big; he still is one of my idols now.

Two religions cannot both be right, because they contradict each other, yet they can both be wrong.

The mind's ability to rationalize it's own shortcomings is unlimited; I am no exception.

Decide on some imperfect Somebody and you will win, because the truest truism in politics is: You can't beat Somebody with Nobody.