In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.

Companies in Mexico are not going to do well if they don't have some connection to not just markets, but also suppliers and technology from the United States.

And when we love our sin then we are damned indeed.

My entire life has been centered around my writing, and by that I mean finding the time to write.

I stick to my own type when I go out, and I don't make friends with people just because they're celebrities.

While praying I passed into a state of entrancement, and in that state I saw the angel and the plates.

Geometry will draw the soul toward truth and create the spirit of philosophy.

Art is a passion or it is nothing.

Magic clubs have as much to do with magic as country clubs have with being in the country.

The goal of becoming more consistent with your core authentic self is a much stronger motivator than "I need to lose 30 pounds."