In Milwaukee last month a man died laughing over one of his own jokes. That's what makes it so tough for us outsiders. We have to fight home competition.

We call ourselves a free nation, and yet we let ourselves be told what cabs we can and can't take by a man at a hotel door, simply because he has a drum major's uniform on.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?

The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

You might think that after thousands of years of coming up too soon and getting frozen, the crocus family would have had a little sense knocked into it.

Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed be doing at that moment.

In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

There is no such place as Budapest. Perhaps you are thinking of Bucharest, and there is no such place as Bucharest, either.

How long will it be necessary to pay City men so entirely out of proportion to what other servants of society commonly receive for performing social services not less useful or difficult?

There is an old legend that somewhere in the world every man has his double.

One disadvantage of being a hog is that at any moment some blundering fool may try to make a silk purse out of your wife's ear.

Any child that wants special attention is arrogant”.

When life hits you down, you have a choice make it- You either stay down and feel sorry for yourself or get up and believe in your self.

Pots can show malice, the patterns of linoleum can leer up at you, treachery is the other side of dailiness.

I guess the biggest world difference you can make is in people's relations to their own emotions, 'cause emotions rule so much of our daily life, and I think that's where we work.

I could have killed Gregory Fitzhurst at three hundred feet with my left hand.

[Writers are] the highest paid secretaries in the world.

Mental illness was a family secret. This patient had four children grow up in foster homes, and they never knew her. It was heart-wrenching for her granddaughter to find this out.