In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

I always liked the story of Noah's Ark and the idea of starting anew by rescuing the things you like and leaving the rest behind.

If your ears are bigger than your mouth, you will go very far in life.

You may look tough, but being weak-hearted still makes you weak.

The first time I had a secretary, I was sheepish about being demanding or even asking questions.

Intrinsic motivation is conducive to creativity; controlling extrinsic motivation is detrimental to creativity.

You have to understand, I can't do any jokes about Ross Perot, because the last thing I need right now is another credit check.

As to the idea that advertising motivates people, remember the Edsel.

The things that you do should be things that you love, and things that you love should be things that you do.

A fair day's wages for a fair day's work.

A city should be built to give its inhabitants security and happiness

Your calamity was sent to bring you back to the Quran. But the greater calamity is that you missed the point.