In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

...life is extremely resilient but not infinitely so.

I didn’t bring you up to speak as if your mouth were filled with sewage.

Audiences = expectations. If he thinks you're not watching, he won't need to rebel against your expectations.

For a while I was on the cover of every Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, which was regarded as the pinnacle of success in America.

The essence of health is inner balance.

I'm always careful about the thing I'm writing to make sure a viewer can imagine it happening to themselves.

I look around for the friends I used to turn to pull me through. Looking into their eyes, I see them running, too.

It won't be long before we'll be deafened by the screeches of whistles being blown by whistle-blowers blowing the whistle on themselves.

When curiosity turns to serious matters, it's called research.

In fact, Parkinson's has made me a better person. A better husband, father and overall human being.