In South Florida, we have industrial cockroaches that have to be equipped with loud warning beepers so you can get out of their way when they back up.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

You have to go for it. For the rest of us.

I paved the path to the very place I don’t want to be. But passing the blame off to someone else doesn’t put me any place else.

A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause.

I like the way dreams present themselves as words and images that are trying to get your attention using your model-making brain's ability to make up stories.

Perhaps I am a bear, or some hibernating animal underneath, for the instinct to be half asleep all winter is so strong in me.

If somebody is smoking a joint in a movie, I say it's a cigarette - a big cigarette if it's a Cheech and Chong movie.

After a while, you start to realize that you should write a book you would want to read. I try to write a book I would enjoy.

This is what it is the business of the artist to do. Art is theft, art is armed robbery, art is not pleasing your mother.

Without giving specific names, most of the significant American banks, the larger banks, are bankrupt, totally bankrupt.

Play is as necessary to the perfect development of a child as sunshine is to the perfect development of a plant.