In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

And here in this room, I re-experience the memories again and again it is how wisdom comes and how we shape our future.

The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish.

There's no honor in soccer

No local church can afford to go without the encouragement and nourishment that will come to it by sending away its best people.

I love the idea that more people would read short fiction. I think it's such a humanizing form. It softens the boundaries between people.

[Eventually the] hoopla will die down [and people will] run the same way we brush our teeth-every day, without a fuss.

One can acquire some virtues by feigning them for a long time.

Imagine a world in which we are all enlightened by objective truths rather than offended by them.

You don't have to think exactly like me. When people go, "I don't agree with everything you say," you know what, if you agree with everything anyone says, you're an idiot.

Where you live in the United States shouldn't determine how long and how healthy you live - but it does, far more than it should.