In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property. Sometimes we have cake. We're not losers.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

Know when to push, pull or hold your followers, lest you push them while they are on the edge of a cliff

Friendship is honey but don't eat it all.

The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there.

Experiments with the "as if" of fiction are often more lively in poetry and criticism and other modes of writing than in weak short stories or novels.

I hate overweight, because it implies that there's a weight standard i should be adhering to

What a child digs for becomes his own possession.

...the incontrovertible evidence is that Hitler ordered on November 30, 1941, that there was to be 'no liquidation of the Jews.'

Strictly excel in what is excellence with grace

When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.

The prerequisite for an ideology is possession of a basic truth.