In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

I signed to Def Jam and within two months, I heard that Ja Rule was looking for someone to do a song with.

I eat lots of fruit for breakfast because it's cleansing and quickly digested by the body.

The structure of software systems tend to reflect the structure of the organization that produce them.

In my eyes, there's no one better than Stevie Wonder. He's a top dude.

I saw my wife at a pool, flipped over her, and 14 days later we were married.

Cancer is an emotional disease.

Let the mind come as it wants; just you don't go with it. The greatest salesman in the world cannot sell you if you don't buy.

We all love being outdoors. Grandma was in her garden or fishing; Mama loves to fish and I love to be outside. We all love the Lord.

Lines are results, do not draw them for themselves.

I could send you a bone with a file in it, only you'd eat it.