In a way an umpire is like a woman. He makes quick decisions, never reverses them, and doesn't think you're safe when you're out.

When I'm right, no one remembers.When I am wrong, no one forgets.

It isn't enough for an umpire to merely know what he's doing. He has to look as though he knows what he's doing, too.

Officiating is the only job in America that everybody knows how to do better than the guy who is doing it.

People come to see the players. Nobody ever bought a ticket to see a manager.

It's not enough to be nice in life. You've got to have nerve.

Reading . . . is an activity subsequent to writing: more resigned, more civil, more intellectual.

Success didn't spoil me I've always been insufferable.

But who will watch my lilies, When their blossoms open white? By day the sun shall be sentry, And the moon and the stars by night!

It's easy to love humanity when you're this far away from it.

The reward of service is more service.

Jesus Christ, why dont you come save my life. Open my eyes and blind me with your light and your lies.

I'm an interpreter of stories. When I perform it's like sitting down at my piano and telling fairy stories.

A fool does not see the same trees a wise man sees.

Looking back, you realize that everything would have explained itself if you had only stopped interrupting.