In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

But the fact is, as one grows close to death, the only thing that matters is family. I hope you can see that.

If you don't trust a novelist, who are you going to trust?

If you want your prayers answered, you get off your knees and do the one thing you’re praying someone else will do for you.

Occupation was one of the pleasures of paradise, and we cannot be happy without it.

Generosity, generosity, generosity, must be the beginning and ending of our life

Associate reverently, and as much as you can, with your loftiest thoughts.

The most lucrative work I have done is presenting primetime TV shows. I do not know what other people earn but a six-figure salary is not uncommon.

So what makes me happy? I was really happy to build this house. That's it; building things. The trouble with software is that it's very hard to show your aunt in Florida what you've done.

We spend too much time hiding illness.

The idea of dates, boxes, categories are very scary for me.