In addition to comedy, I'm a writer. I write checks. They're not very good.

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

I go running when I have to. When the ice cream truck is doing sixty.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

Is there a doctor in the house? My parents want me to marry you.

I just got my first bikini. It's a three-piece: a top, a botton, and a blindfold for you.

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool. I didn't want to go, because I've put on like a hundred pounds.

I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because the water is cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know that?

My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

I don't think I was funny until college. I lived with some Harvard MD/PhD students - they were so smart, and what I contributed to the house was, I was the funny one.

Life sometimes confuses us by making us discover in someone we hate a quality or qualities we love.

The more at ease you are in the world, the more vibrant, creative and easygoing the world in you becomes.

For peace of mind resign as general manager of the universe.

We can’t all and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.

Christ the Lord is risen to-day, Sons of men and angels say. Raise your joys and triumphs high; Sing, ye heavens, and earth reply.

Excess weakens the spirits.

Absolute faith corrupts as absolutely as absolute power.

You can be miserable before you have a cookie and you can be miserable after you eat a cookie but you can't be miserable while you are eating a cookie.

I am a mass of contradictions.

This capacity to go beyond the factors of conditioning is one of the obvious advantages of the human person.