In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

We seem to take notice of our body only when health is lacking. With that lack of recognition comes a lack of motivation and incentive to stretch.

atheists are the most faithful people I ever met

A gift involves sacrifice. If you give away something that you no longer value or want, it cannot be a gift. It is simply a discarded item.

Always refer to those of the female gender as ladies.The descriptive woman is usually reserved in Dixie for females of questionable respect.

All my life I had feared to-morrow, until I decided to have faith and to live to-day in courage.

Faithful parents can invite the power of heaven to influence their children. Nevertheless, those children remain agents unto themselves, and the choice to repent or not ultimately is theirs.

You are a child of God.

Neither divine grace nor natural knowledge ever diminishes freedom.

All you've got to do is decide to go and the hardest part is over.

If it was something that I really committed myself to, I don't think there's anything that could stop me becoming President of the United States.