In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're Transportation Captains.

When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

Learn how to set goals. That's the key to everything. That includes designing your own success. You define what the goal is, it's not somebody else's goal, it's yours.

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I'm a big believer in overcoming and achieving and doing things and not feeling sorry for yourself.

I love the normalcy of Cleveland. There's regular people there.

There's no way I can justify my salary level, but I'm learning to live with it.

You say tomato, I say bourbon and coke.

Things don't make me nearly as happy as talking and having a beer with my friends. And that's something everyone can do.

Liquor prohibition led to the rise of organized crime in America, and drug prohibition has led to the rise of the gang problems we have now.

a bit of a dirty fighter, quick with cutting words that he later regrets and doesn't really mean. Then again, I wonder if there isn't always a grain of truth in them, somewhere

Coincidentally, the words RELIGION and BULLSHIT both have eight letters.

If someone wants to be in your life they will find you. If they don't they will find an excuse.

One sad thing about this world is that the acts that take the most out of you are usually the ones that people will never know about. (from 'Celestial Navigation')

Muscles come and go; flab lasts.

Ambition has to be joined with expectancy. A sense that you have a dream for yourself that you believe can happen.

Man the lifeboats. The idiots are winning.

I didn't have to do paper routes. I'd sing for 5 bucks a crack at weddings and church functions; I'd have four or five on some Saturdays.

Each and every being has an innate ability to heal as a gift from the gods.