In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

This is why we can't have nice things...

I treated her like a pair of gloves. When I was cold, I called her up.

I've always had confidence. It came because I have lots of initiative. I wanted to make something of myself.

I have the street smarts and survival skills of, like, a poodle.

All the filmmakers I've worked with have taken my desire to educate myself very seriously.

Bite off more than you can chew, then keep chewing.

There are rap groups that have a positive outlook in their art. These groups should be shown as an alternative to gangsta rap.

Trump has officially changed his name to Ronald because he's such a clown, and in sympathy his toupée is changing its name to Bozo.

What do women want? A guy they can't drive crazy. There aren't many around. But they try. They can't help it, it's their nature.

I told you all I was going to be No. 1, and I did just that.