In comedy, falling means laughter. You can take something sacred and make it silly. The more sacred it is, the funnier it is. It has a bigger drop to fall.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

Seriously. Poor little me can deal with having mated a millionaire.”“Oh, you found someone else? With less money?

Heavenly Father, your ears are ever open to our prayers.Save us now!

To pity distress is but human to relieve it is Godlike.

A person who is keen to shake your hand usually has something up his sleeve.

If your goal is to be the biggest movie star in the world, a 10-movie contract is gold. It was never my goal.

We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex - but Congress can.

We should welcome applause whenever it comes.

Soup is cuisine's kindest course. It breathes reassurance; it steams consolation; after a weary day it promotes sociability, as the five o'clock cup of tea or the cocktail hour.

If you ain't holding, you ain't trying.

Grandmother belongs to the generation of women who were satisfied to have men retain their vices, if they removed their hats.