In days gone by, a man's word was his bond. Today, fortunately, we have glue.

Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break.

It's true that all men are pigs. The trick is to tame one who knows how to find truffles.

We having nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and maybe getting mugged by someone wearing a "No Fear" t-shirt.

We have nothing to fear but fear itself. That, and those great big furry spiders.

Whoever said "When in Rome, do as the Romans do", has never driven a car there.

I don't think that movies are too violent. But I do think that popcorn is too expensive, and this can often lead to violence.

Despite rumors to the contrary, a mime is actually a very satisfying thing to waste.

I've spent years trying to "get in touch with my inner child," but now my new therapist tells me it's mostly been inappropriate touching.

My coach once told me "there's no "I" in "team." I responded there's also no "I" in "hackneyed." Then I had to run 12 laps.

We never stop to consider that our beliefs are only a relative truth that's always going to be distorted by all the knowledge we have stored in our memory.

After I saw the first thing I ever did, I got a migraine.

One of the ideals [Margaret Thatcher] grew up with was self-denial and postponement of gratification, and yet she went about to create a greedy, short-term society. It is a paradox.

Disgust is so reassuring; it feels like a moral proof.

I'm kind of like Che Guevera. I lead the revolution, but at some point I turn it over to someone else.

I love the idea of a beautiful neighborhood that represents the very best of American values, but also as a fun backdrop to some darker, deliciously sneaky things going on in people's lives.

Man is the most dangerous, destructive, selfish, and unethical animal on earth.

Self-study, in a sense of learning by yourself without anybody teaching you anything, has an enormous value.

The exquisite order displayed by our scientific understanding of the physical world calls for the divine.