In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

If no one cares for you at all, do you even really exist?

How come I never meet any nice girls?

If you like my poems let them walk in the evening, a little behind you

Karma is not a receipt of a physical experience, because of what someone has done.

I have a bad sweet tooth. I'm pretty good when I have to eat well for work, but otherwise, I could eat a whole roll of raw cookie dough.

Our most meaningful conversations go on late at night when we're on the phone with our friends or talking to our lovers.

Is instinct in the head or in the heart? Off the field, I follow my good instincts which steer me in the right direction. Sometimes on the field my head leads me astray. That's what I believe.

I have heard unsavory rumors about you and the umbrella-maker's daughter

Allow everything else to vanish Save and except your cherished dreams, For your cherished dreams Are treasured sleeplessly By God Himself.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.