[In my bio] is no drunk driving, there's no DUI's, there's no possession of cocaine, none of that stuff so you know, I don't know if that's good or bad. Everybody loves dirty laundry.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

pride was i was fine simple causeto be focus of the man who loved many sources those werehis focus . i lived in falsehood likean unknown and loved him all alone

Brand-new truths are probably not Truths.

No one really believes in equality who's on top.

The American Southwest seems to be slowly returning to the jurisdiction of Mexico without firing a single shot.

Excuse me while I go bleach my face.

I don't need a cloak to become invisible.

The universe always helps us fight for our dreams, no matter how foolish they may be.

Prayer is the exercise of drawing on the grace of God.

If you approach an opera as though it were something that always went a certain way, that's what you get. I approach an opera as though I didn't know it.

There will be no peace in our world without an understanding of the place of religion within it.