In my hometown of Chicago, I'm kind of a medium deal.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

True self-confidence never needs to degrade the confidence of others in order to grow. If it does, it’s not confidence at all…it’s ego.

No action could be lower or more futile than for one person to throw upon another the burden of his abdication of choice.

Many eat that on earth that they digest in hell.

I am confident that we will see a growing consensus about the most effective way to transform food in America: building a real, sustainable and free school-lunch program.

From the fact that E is evidence for T and the fact that T entails M, it doesn't follow that E is evidence for M.

Nirvana is very funny. It's not sincere particularly. It's rather frivolous, actually.

I think that that's the wisest thing - to prevent illness before we try to cure something.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

Dogs are great teachers. They are at home in the world. They live in the moment, and they force us to stay there with them. Dogs love us unconditionally, not for our bodies or bank accounts.

I work with a lot of different editors at different publishers and magazines and so on, and having a system of shared folders makes keeping track of things a snap.