In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Knowledge itself is power

Carelessness was once something to be owned. They wore it around their necks as they joined the springtime breeze while ducking in and out of the forest believing their fairy tale.

Agatha Christie has given more pleasure in bed than any other woman.

As I grew older - collapsing into my seventies, glimpsing ahead the cliffs of the eighties, colliding into eighty-five - poetry abandoned me.

I love the U.K. It's so different over there from America, you know, the culture and stuff. It's pretty awesome.

Duty doesn't need to call; it only needs to whisper. And if you heed the call, no matter what happens, you have no need for regret." Odd Thomas

To do the opposite of something is also a form of imitation, namely an imitation of its opposite.

Like a raisin in the sun; that will swivel up and fade away. Your success dreams will swivel up and fade away, if you are not motivated enough to work for them.

It's hard to imagine a place like that really exists. People have been judging me my whole life.

It is difficult to tell how much men's minds are conciliated by a kind manner and gentle speech.