In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

My goal and my career is definitely not to be famous. That's a really horrible goal, just to be famous for the sake of having fame.

Don't pour a lifetime of effort into a seasonal relationship. Not everyone from the pilot belongs in the finale.

Our listeners asked us:"What is chaos?"We're answering:"We do not comment on economic policy.

My eyes are different sizes, my nose is too broad at the bridge and squishes up when I laugh, and my lips are sorta funny when I smile.

I hate being on my best behavior. It brings out the absolute worst in me.

Unfortunately the innocent are always involved in any conflict. Always, everywhere, there is some voice crying from a tower.

I have proposed I would not add a penny to the debt and [Donald Trump] plans would add $5 trillion to the debt.

Did you hear about the dog that was so high-strung, he developed a nervous tick?

A man of truth must also be a man of care.

Every man [human being] is an heir to a legacy of dignity and worth

I played team sports, but I never felt like I fitted in that well, so this allowed me to be part of a community but to do it in my own way.