In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Mientras más mengüe tu nivel de inseguridad, más crecerá tu nivel de fe.

Then where is home, Johannes?" He looks at the maps on his wall. "I don't know, " He says. "Where comfort is. And that is hard to find.

I can always go back to construction. That's great money, but the problem is you can cut off your hand.

A pitcher has to look at the hitter as his mortal enemy.

Couture has copied my things for years, in addition to countless other costume designers, claiming theirs were the original ideas. It's all part of the business, unfortunately.

Women are tenacious, and all of them should be tenacious of respect; without esteem they cannot exist; esteem is the first demand that they make of love.

Hearing Sonny Rollins live... that was really amazing. There were so many things that really blew me away at that time [of schooling].

When Rolling Stone handed me this crazy assignment to be in the studio with James Brown, they had the misapprehension that I'd written for them already just because I claimed my character had.

Choking is about thinking too much. Panic is about thinking too little. Choking is about loss of instinct. Panic is reversion to instinct. They may look the same, but they are worlds apart.

Sometimes a piece of sun burned like a coin in my hand.