In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

What had she have to wish for? Nothing but to grow more worthy of him whose intentions and judgment had been ever so superior to her own.

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.

In my world, I am one of the luckiest humans alive.

There are movements which impinge upon the nerves with a strength that is incomparable, for movement has power to stir the senses and emotions, unique in itself.

Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

I believe in glamour. I am in favor of a little vanity. I don't rely on just my genes. Looking good is a commitment to yourself and to others.

It's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody.

I've always been a fan of just extreme things. Whether it be in movies, books, TV or real life.

Without God, man cannot, and without man, God will not.

I wanted to be free to write the way I wanted to write, and my impression of Christian publishing, at least in fiction, was that there wasn't room for what I wanted to write.