In standup, you don't have anything near you except a microphone.

I'm the luckiest unlucky person.

Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.

It's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is.

I start crying when certain things come up, certain memories, certain feelings, and it's intense. But I think it's good for me - and therapeutic.

Life can very genuinely and realistically pile things on. It doesn't dole out the heartache and pain, or joy, perfectly.

When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.

I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).

When I couldn't get ahold of cigarettes, I'd roll coffee grounds into typing paper and smoke that and then vomit.

My age makes all my wrinkles and gray hair make sense.

I didn't know whether I'd be attractive to anybody.

I was transformed the dayMy ego shattered, And all the superficial, materialThings that matteredTo me before, Suddenly ceasedTo matter.

Everything that you do is a challenge. And acting is just building up your concentration and being able to listen and to do the ridiculous.

Property does not exist because there are laws, but laws exist because there is property.

You'll be scared! Sure you'll be scared. Who wouldn't fear having their head completely blown off.

I used to think drinking was the only way to be happy. Now I know there is no way to be happy.

No one can deny, this love I have inside, and I'll give it all to you, my endless love.

I came into office to do what was correct, not to see what was politically expedient to get re-elected.

The older you get, the fewer things it seems too late to do.

I'm a white guy listening to the Cure and thinking about Pynchon influences.

Around year seven or eight, you'd kill yourself when you realized Norm had to enter and you had to come up with a new beer joke.