In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Sometimes you will do good and not get an acknowledgement for it. Don't let that dishearten you, the world is a better place with your good deeds.

Today, take a pledge to love yourself. Do not cut, drown, get caught in the fire, or hang yourself. Reasons behind committing suicide can be cured!

I'd rather worship bloody bones than the murderer who makes them.

Men and women aren't too dissimilar.

Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song

There's nothing more fun than debating and defending your taste in music.

People who know me, recognize a definite difference in my poise and in my personality, because I've grown.

Death is just around the corner. If only it would stay there.

To approach the badlands is to find a gap in the known and expected world.

The soul, O ganders, flies beyond the parks And far beyond the discords of the wind.