In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man will probably end up dating the best looking blind chick.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

To be able to see one’s own faults

All we ask is to be let alone.

I have just discovered the truth, and can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.

Never eat while doing something else, because you won't get the satisfaction from your food and you'll be more likely to overeat.

I love doing voice-over. It's so fun.

[Emily Litella line:] Never mind.

Every where the years bring to all enough of sin and sorrow; but in slavery the very dawn of life is darkened by these shadows

All Americans suffer from anxiety; it's a national disease.

I am an angel. I was sent here from God to heal.

I truly thought I might hurt that man," he said, "very badly." "I didn't know you were capable of such bad temper." "Apparently I am.