In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book. In fact, they think I'm such an idiot they now want me to run the network.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

I wondered if emotions were like menstrual cycles, if you get enough women together. Give it time, and everyone was crying.

As he watches the sun rise, what grieves him is that he failed her. He thinks of the terror she felt. They tell him it was quick, as if that will somehow confine the horror.

Often it’s not we who shape words, but the words we use that shape us.

All err the more dangerously because each follows a truth. Their mistake lies not in following a falsehood but in not following another truth.

Hitch your unconscious mind to your writing arm.

The Internet challenges traditional ways of distributing and processing information and so encourages new standards and behavior.

The draft that finally goes to my editor doesn't get into her hands until I have read it out loud innumerable times - sometimes into a tape recorder - to make sure that it sounds right.

The murder rate in Chicago is skyrocketing and you see who's doing it and perpetrating it, they all look like Chief Keef.

Fighting is the best thing a man can have in his soul.