In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

When we first wake up every morning, there’s a calm in our minds. The challenge is to keep it there all day.

We clean our plates, yet we’re still famished—starving for something other than food.

Gratitude is the attitude. That's the thing.

Drill your soldiers well, and give them a pattern yourself.

I don't like theorizing about my work myself, but that's not to say I have no interest in theory. Other people are free to say what they want about my work.

All my life I've worked to try to correct and perfect our system of government to make it more fair.

I am by far your superior, but my notorious modesty prevents me from saying so.

I'm not going to emphasize the sky-hook as much as work with the specific skills of the guys.

Enjoy things even when you’re screwing up.

The arts can bring the heart to the aid of the head, the personal to the political.