In today's society we sometimes forget to balance our hearts and our heads; this is the reason we stop laughing.

In Russia we only had two TV channels. Channel One was propaganda. Channel Two consisted of a KGB officer telling you: Turn back at once to Channel One.

I believe that laughter is a language of God and that we can all live happily ever laughter.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

In every country, they make fun of city. In U.S. you make fun of Cleveland. In Russia, we make fun of Cleveland.

In America, you break law. In Soviet Russia, law breaks you! In America, you watch Big Brother. In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watch you!

In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!

It's kind of bittersweet. The human spirit is not measured by the size of the act, but by the size of the heart.

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

Men and women are immigrants in each other's worlds.

I found out that when you get married the man becomes the head of the house. And the woman becomes the neck, and she turns the head any way she wants to.

I will finish what I have began.

Is any man free except the one who can pass his life as he pleases?

Do your own market research; ask your last ten customers exactly why they bought from you.

People tend to think I'm insane, and I'm really tired of it.

Let me tell you right now, you are not alone. Seeking help requires incredible strength and courage. The most powerful weapon you have against bullying is your voice.

Old age is somewhat like dieting. Every day there is less of us to be observed.

The system of capitalism, of the market economy, is a system of freedom, of justice, of productivity. But these three virtues cannot be separated. Each flows out of the other.

I have terrible PMS. I just went a little crazy.

Commitment doesn't mean that it has to last forever, but while you are there, commit yourself 100%. By doing this, the quality of your life improves 100%.

In love the heavens themselves do guide the state; Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.