In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Enjoy the journey

You can only diffuse light in dark places.

The crowning blessing of life - to be born with a bias to some pursuit.

Life means opportunity, and the thing men call death is the last wonderful, beautiful adventure.

My mother's from Texas. Small town outside of Waco called Downsville. And my father's from Nigeria. And so I guess I'm properly African-American.

To get rid of an enemy one must love him.

And that if you become a star, people are going to go to see you. If you remain an actor, they're going to go and see the story you're in.

If you only walk on sunny days you'll never reach your destination.

Friends are like spaghetti, they should stick together. The only way to have a friend is to be one.

I grow as many of our vegetables as I can, because my granddad was a professional gardener, and it's in the blood.