In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the President's efforts to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Just because it looks and shines like a diamond, doesn't necessarily make it one.

The home is the most ritualized place in a society

Mix one part Denzel Washington and two parts Eva Mendes and you have a nice hot cocktail.

I hate being mean. I watch those roasts on Comedy Central and they make the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

High achievers tend to have major weaknesses. People without major weaknesses tend to be mediocre.

We were all children once. And we all share the desire for the well-being of our children, which has always been and will continue to be the most universally cherished aspiration of humankind.

Normally, however, I try to avoid repetitions of any shot.

What you have to do as soon as you know about somebody, then you have to think what goodness he has got, how can I imbibe that goodness within myself?

British women can't cook.

I'm the top of the food chain and well...you're the food.